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This week’s case takes us to Newark, Delaware and the home of Middle School teacher Stanley Karanski. A crime has been committed and the Energy Crime Scene Investigator Team is called in to inspect. I was minding my own business, sitting behind my desk with my feet up as usual, when the call came in. My Assistant Investigator, Tammy Argyle was late again, so I answered it myself.
“Energy Crime Scene Investigation, Jake Unguruhurr speaking,” I said in my coolest film noir voice.
“Oh my gosh, you have to come right away!!! These energy bills are killing us!!” the caller shrieked.
I took down her name and address and assured her we’d be right over. “We’ll be right over, ma’am.”
Tammy showed up just as I was walking out the door. “Let’s go Nose,” I said. I call her Nose because she has a Nose for Energy Crime Clues. That, and smelling.
Minutes later we arrived at the scene. Alejandro Rojas Vasquez O’Reilly, our best lab technician, was already there. “Whatta we got?” I grated.
“Wife’s inside with the blues,” he replied. Blues are what we call coppers, and it seems like the only reason they exist is to get in our way. “Looks like the ‘bill’ got to’em,” he finished.
I could hardly believe it. It seemed as though another homeowner had been “killed” by his electric bill. Tammy walked up to the side of the house to inspect the electric meter. “It’s spinning like a dreidel on Hannukah,” she chirped. That seemed a little odd, since the entire house was dark.
“Ma’am, did you leave anything on? Anything at all ma’am?” I asked the sobbing widow once inside.
“I don’t think so,” she responded thoughtfully. “Maybe the cat accidentally turned on the vacuum,” she weeped.
I looked over at the corpse, but was spun around by the sight. The sorry “vic” still had the electric bill in his hands. I turned back to his wife. “Not likely ma’am,” I said. “Cat has an alibi…airtight I’m afraid. The dog can corroborate.”
“I don’t know. Maybe the light stays on when the fridge door is closed. I just don’t know!!” She was visibly shaken by the events of the day and was at a loss for everything.
I walked over to the computer desk to take a quick peek at the peripherals. “Oh my gosh, did I leave the printer turned on?!?” asked the widow Karanski.
“The fax ma’am…just the fax.”
We began to look for other clues and Tammy and I found them everywhere. Phantom loads from electronic equipment that use remotes, like TVs and stereos, cell phone chargers plugged in with no phone to charge, an Xbox that must’ve been running for days, and an open microwave door; it was ugly.
“Ma’am, I think I found what killed your husband. We call ‘em ‘GHOST LOADS’,” I shouted inappropriately. I cleared my throat and continued, “They’re deadly.”
“You think you’ve turned off the TV, but the unit requires energy to keep it in standby mode so you can use a remote to turn it on. The cell phone charger uses electricity even when the phone is not plugged in,” I explained.
“I’m sorry for your loss ma’am, but we have some work to do if we’re gonna keep you safe from the same evil. Ma’am, we’re going to send you over some Home Energy Consultants. They’ll make your house safe again.”
As I walked out the front door and back to my car, I wondered to myself, when are people gonna learn? If we could only educate people on how to properly use energy, we could end killer electric bills forever.
I headed back to the office, knowing the phone would ring again soon…far too soon…
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To hear the audio for this and other Great Green Home Show radio segments, visit the “On the Radio” section on GREENandSAVE.com. And if the Karanski’s convinced you that your energy bills are on the verge of murder, think about getting a Home Efficiency Checkup or an Energy Audit. Or, to start a career in the Eco-Economy, see what Green Collar Jobs have to offer in the Philadelphia area.
